february resolutions

photo courtesy http://collectionaday2010.blogspot.com/


We are a month into 2010. Wow--how's that goin' for ya?

I've had many friends and colleagues express to me that this is to be THE year. The year the pendulum is going to swing back. I'm not entirely sure what people are most hopeful for when they say this: the economy, jobs, a creative windfall, some flavor of uber-life-clarity, the demise of reality television...it's difficult to get a pulse on the universal/cosmic/meta change we crave, only that many of us seem to be starving for it.

On a personal level, I enter 2010 with big hopes for my own evolution. Now at the start of my second semester of nursing school, I have encountered so much new information in the last 6 months, both personally and professionally, that I often feel as if my brain is on a permanent spin cycle. The big personal lesson of my first term is a very difficult pill to swallow--it's about breathing. Slowing down, and breathing.

During the fall semester I had the opportunity to observe alot of sick people. I was given the gift of holding the hands of the dying, and I endured the heartbreak of losing a colleague in my program. I love nursing, I adore school, and I could not be more thrilled to be on the journey I have created for myself. Additionally, in the context of those experiences in the fall, I was blessed with a renewed vigor and creativity for the work I do in my own home. I was reawakened to the joy of motherhood, family, personal nurturing and stillness. I described my altered viewpoint to Leighton as my own personal revolution--our code word for it is "counterculture". He still has no idea what I'm talking about (I'm not certain I do either), only that he's been promised it will not impinge on there being snacks in the house (we all have priorities).

This "counterculture" requires that I give time where I've previously given shortcuts. Consideration where in the past I've only offered excuses. Being realistic with myself and those around me about what is most meaningful and what is the product of ridiculous expectations created by me or adopted from some insane idea out there in the world about what is "normal" or "needed" or "good". It means breathing through those moments I've always held my breath and bore down on. But it also means being still and observant enough to allow my breath to be taken away. That's what I'm most hopeful for: the breathlessness of discovery and joy.

So, oh zen one--you may ask--how's all that goin' for ya?!

Well, here's the thing. Sucky. Really, really sucky. With the start of a new semester, I find myself returning to all those habits I loathe. From sleep to nutrition to how I prioritize my time and feed my soul, I'm a train wreck of self-made bad habits. We have been up against the busiest time in Leighton's academic calendar, Colton's refusal to sleep in his crib or any other bed, and a small storm of unforeseen administrative issues in my first weeks back to school....

And there are those excuses again....

In case you haven't noticed, the calendar has given us a very special gift this year. February 1 falls on a Monday. (Oh, blessed Monday--when everything is new again, the slate is clean and we have a fresh set of seven days to reimagine and reinvent ourselves.) SO, I'm calling a do-over. Deep breath. And I'm going to try again. There are many facets to this counterculture, probably too many to reasonably tackle. Maybe that's the downfall of the plan.

When I left my job in NYU-land, it had been my intention to leave many of these bad habits behind. Convinced that many of these things that made me crazy about myself and crazier in my life were tied to the work, I was astonished to discover that I'm the same girl I've always been. Evidently the job didn't create the crazy expectations in me, I created them in the job. I'm still me. The flaws were not shed, if anything they're magnified by the fact of my student-ness and the inherent independence that has created for me. The virtuous pursuit of nursing does not bring any guarantee of one's own ability to care for one's self, and the paradox of the unhealthy nurse is not one I care to perpetuate.

Part of this "counterculture" includes making more time to read, write, and work on this blog. In resolving to give this space more energy and attention I engage you, dear reader, as a partner in my plight. I think of you often and frequently find myself writing posts in my head, but never taking the time to bring the thoughts to the page (screen). But tomorrow is February 1. And we can begin again.